BLOCKROG

Now I gotta deal with shit like THIS?

David,

To whom it may concern,

It has come to my attention that I have been made an object of fun on your internet sites. It saddens me to see a citizen’s sincere political activism be used to generate cheap laughs and low-blow leftist sensationalism.

Despite signing an anti-Obamacare petition under a pseudonym, I am absolutely committed to the repeal of this doomed legislation. I chose not to use my real name—David Thorpe—because I work in a liberal environment and wouldn’t want to face career repercussions; now, of course, I regret hiding my identity, but I still wanted to be counted among the numbers standing up against Obama.

I reject Obamacare because it is an affront to my personal liberty. I am strong as a bull and in perfect health, and I refuse to be coerced into the legalized gambling that is “health insurance” by some unconstitutional mandate, just so my dollars can subsidize the weak and sick. My pen name reflects my belief in liberty: I am called Weedlord because I slurp mad rips off a 50-foot bong called The Phallus of Zeus, for which I must rent a cherry picker. I am called Bonerhitler because my boner is a dangerously charismatic force of oppression and destruction.

Please do not characterize me as a “troll,” because my signature was sincere, and I stand by it.

Thank you,
David Thorpe
AKA Weedlord Bonerhitler
(@arr)

For reference, please listen to the first ten seconds of the 2004 hit “Headsprung.”

This is bullshit, by the way; he really does say Big Silly.

Once again, some shit I dug up from the past. I just remembered some of these while thinking about the year-end article I have to write for the Phoenix tonight. Enjoy.

Top Five Actual Juelz Santana Rhymes of 2005:

• 5. Niggas like you ought to get shot up / for actin’ and bein’ a fraudulent shotta. (Shottas)
• 4. Bump you like how a bumper do / I’m on the corner, pumping like how a pumper do (Oh Yes)
• 3. I like a chick with big breasts on her chest / not flat lookin’ like somebody stepped on her chest (Cam’ron’s More Gangsta Music) (Technically from late 04, but who’s counting?)
• 2. Greater than great I am / haters they hate I am (Rumble Young Man Rumble)
• 1. I’m a mean pimp / know what I mean, pimp? (I Am Crack)

(Read more after this)

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If I ever wrote any good jokes, chances are they’re buried in old News in Brief articles that aren’t archived anywhere on the internet and were only printed in New England, so most non-Bostons never had a chance to read them.

I’m hoping this thing won’t just be about posting old shit, but I definitely want to put up some forgotten Burn Unit bits from the distant past once in a while; forgive me. But read this one, because it’s probably new to you and it was written back when I clung to some shred of talent. Expect to see:

• One of my personal favorite gags, which explains the logical impossibility of Linkin Park and No Doubt ever finishing their next albums.
• Some shitting on the Verve Pipe.
• Pete Doherty, remember him?
• Tool’s Maynard G. Krebs.

Enjope.

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I just turned in another press release roundup for the Phoenix, but my slim wordcount meant leaving out a few great ones. Though its tenuous connection to pop music made it miss the cutoff, “Musician Seeks Presidency” definitely goes in my personal hall of fame.

[Lee] Abramson (41) is a Jewish musician and entrepreneur who suffers from ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease). He said he would bring a much-needed perspective to the Oval Office.

Bummer of a diagnosis, but he hasn’t let it get in the way of his astounding achievements:

Political expertise: His father, Paul Abramson, is a member of the American Political Science Association hall of fame, and is widely known as an expert in presidential politics.

Entrepreneurial experience: He is the first person to sell pork rinds on the Internet, and sold 1000 CDs out of the back of a truck in the two years he was a bass player in a rock band.

Leadership experience: In college, he ran an industrial kitchen, planning meals and stocking food supplies. Later, he became the leader of the Web applications support team at Lotus Development Corporation.

Other credentials: Abramson is arguably the greatest musician since King David, and his two best friends Eric and Elliott (who have the same Hebrew name), and all of his other friends and family, say that he brings clarity to contentious issues with the wisdom of Solomon.

Question: his campaign literature seems to lean heavily on the religious angle, so what the fuck is with the pork rinds? Theory: he was just trying to get rid of them.

Full release after the clicko.

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Here’s a thing I wrote for the Weekly Dig years ago, which is simultaneously one of the worst things I ever turned in and one of my favorite columns. Posting it up now cause a friend posted a link to a genius Neil Hamburger tweet:

An anagram: ALTERNATIVE ROCK’S MASTERS, KINGS OF LEON === SLICK FRAT TONES EVOKE SNORING. SET ALARM!

Anyway, here’s my beloved horseshit column. I temporarily renamed “The Burn Unit” to “Nutrient Hub,” but I’m not sure the paper ran it with that heading. Here’s the awful thing, after the clicko:

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I recently wrote a Juggalo News Update in the Boston Phoenix, which you can find here.

In the comments, some dude made a thrilling proposition: “im looking for wrighter for a juggalo site are email me if instred”

I never back down from a journalistic challenge, so I emailed him right away to accept his offer. Here’s the first piece I turned in.

(Click “Read More,” idiot).

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