BLOCKROG

UGH

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 13:56:49 -0400

Now I gotta deal with shit like THIS?

David,

Congrats on the successful campaign to exile Pitbull to Alaska. Glad he had a cool attitude about it.

I’m a radio and TV host based in Pennsylvania. I had a little exchange last night with whoever is running The X-Factor’s Twitter account about co-hosting the show, and the person said this:

https://twitter.com/TheXFactorUSA/status/233006313439907840

Got me thinking… what if I enlisted your help to start a campaign to land me on The X-Factor? More about me (and my reel) here: http://ralphieaversa.com/bio/

There’s already been a Facebook created for the cause ( https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ralphie-Aversa-Should-Co-Host-The-X-Factor/300982436665932 ). I’d want to discuss more, but essentially if you helped carry out this campaign for me I’d be willing to cut you 10% of whatever I made off of season one of the show.

I know it sounds crazy, but I’m sure the same could have been said about sending Pitbull to a Wal-Mart in Alaska.

Thanks for your time,

Ralphie

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MEDIA FROM WEEDLORD BONERHITLER

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 23:01:05 -0400

To whom it may concern,

It has come to my attention that I have been made an object of fun on your internet sites. It saddens me to see a citizen’s sincere political activism be used to generate cheap laughs and low-blow leftist sensationalism.

Despite signing an anti-Obamacare petition under a pseudonym, I am absolutely committed to the repeal of this doomed legislation. I chose not to use my real name—David Thorpe—because I work in a liberal environment and wouldn’t want to face career repercussions; now, of course, I regret hiding my identity, but I still wanted to be counted among the numbers standing up against Obama.

I reject Obamacare because it is an affront to my personal liberty. I am strong as a bull and in perfect health, and I refuse to be coerced into the legalized gambling that is “health insurance” by some unconstitutional mandate, just so my dollars can subsidize the weak and sick. My pen name reflects my belief in liberty: I am called Weedlord because I slurp mad rips off a 50-foot bong called The Phallus of Zeus, for which I must rent a cherry picker. I am called Bonerhitler because my boner is a dangerously charismatic force of oppression and destruction.

Please do not characterize me as a “troll,” because my signature was sincere, and I stand by it.

Thank you,
David Thorpe
AKA Weedlord Bonerhitler
(@arr)

Big Silly

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 17:58:00 -0500

For reference, please listen to the first ten seconds of the 2004 hit “Headsprung.”

This is bullshit, by the way; he really does say Big Silly.

The Burn Unit - 2005 Year-End Lists

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 16:12:00 -0500

Once again, some shit I dug up from the past. I just remembered some of these while thinking about the year-end article I have to write for the Phoenix tonight. Enjoy.

Top Five Actual Juelz Santana Rhymes of 2005:

5. Niggas like you ought to get shot up / for actin’ and bein’ a fraudulent shotta. (Shottas)
4. Bump you like how a bumper do / I’m on the corner, pumping like how a pumper do (Oh Yes)
3. I like a chick with big breasts on her chest / not flat lookin’ like somebody stepped on her chest (Cam’ron’s More Gangsta Music) (Technically from late 04, but who’s counting?)
2. Greater than great I am / haters they hate I am (Rumble Young Man Rumble)
1. I’m a mean pimp / know what I mean, pimp? (I Am Crack)

(Read more after this)

Top Five Coca-Cola Products that Sound Like Terrible Rappers:

5. Vanilla Coke
4. Pibb X-tra
3. Mello Yello
2. KMX
1. Coke Blak

Top Five Sugary Pop Bands/Artists Who Kind of Seem like Christian Rock But I’m Too Lazy to Find Out:

5. Howie Day
4. Ryan Cabrera
3. Jesse McCartney
2. Lifehouse
1. A Simple Plan

Top Five Songs of 2005 With The Same Name as a Better Song:

5. A Simple Plan – Untitled (There must be 1,000 songs called “Untitled,” and I bet 999 of them are better than A Simple Plan’s.)
4. Lifehouse – You and Me (Once a perfectly adequate Neil Young song.)
3. Will Smith – Switch (The excellent concluding track of Siouxsie’s debut album.)
2. Green Day – Holiday (The Bee Gees’ “Holiday” was radical. “Throwing stones, throwing stones.”)
1. Nickelback – Photograph (How dare you steal a Def Leppard title?)

Top Five Things I Like to Call Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger:

5. Retard Cobain
4. Oily Canuck Jesus
3. The Poor Man’s Scott Stapp
2. Emaciated Fabio
1. Sherman’s Carpet Depot Employee of the Month October 2008

The Burn Unit - May 15th, 2006

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 04:43:00 -0500

If I ever wrote any good jokes, chances are they’re buried in old News in Brief articles that aren’t archived anywhere on the internet and were only printed in New England, so most non-Bostons never had a chance to read them.

I’m hoping this thing won’t just be about posting old shit, but I definitely want to put up some forgotten Burn Unit bits from the distant past once in a while; forgive me. But read this one, because it’s probably new to you and it was written back when I clung to some shred of talent. Expect to see:

One of my personal favorite gags, which explains the logical impossibility of Linkin Park and No Doubt ever finishing their next albums.
Some shitting on the Verve Pipe.
Pete Doherty, remember him?
Tool’s Maynard G. Krebs.

Enjope.

The Burn Unit: News in Alarmingly Constrictive Briefs
David Thorpe

Whatever happened to modern-rock hitmakers The Verve Pipe? The Weekly Dig recently caught up with— nah, I’m just kidding, we don’t give a shit.

Linkin Park co-vocalist Mike Shinoda has revealed that the next Linkin Park album is halfway done. Mercifully, according to Zeno’s dichotomy paradox, this means that the album can never be completed; in order to finish the album, Linkin Park must first bring it to three-fourths completion, and before that, five-eighths, and before that, nine-sixteenths, and so on. Therefore, Linkin Park’s album must undergo an infinite series of stages of completion before it can be completed, which would take an infinite amount of time. Lord only knows how they got to the halfway point in the first place, since that is rationally impossible, but we can only hope that pure logic prevents any further progress.

I am similarly relieved that a newly started No Doubt album will be scuppered by ancient wisdom. You see, according to Zeno’s paradox of Achilles and the Tortoise, No Doubt will never be able to complete their album either; since Linkin Park begun their album first, No Doubt must reach the same point of completion attained by Linkin Park before they can overtake their stymied progress. However, by the time No Doubt reaches Linkin Park’s level of album completion, Linkin Park will have completed yet more of their album, and No Doubt will have to reach that same point, and so forth, infinitely. Therefore, No Doubt will never be able to overtake Linkin Park’s futile album progress, and thus will never complete their album either. Hurrah!

After falling from a palm tree while gleefully engaged in god-knows-what, priceless Egyptian relic Keith Richards has been released from a New Zealand hospital with a brand new head.

Incorrigible British rascal Pete Doherty— who apparently used to be in a band, or something— is soon to display a series of paintings at a London gallery. Before you accuse this move of being non-eccentric, please note that Doherty painted these works with his own blood, and possibly the blood of others. Doherty is hoping that this display of blood-paintings will serve to explain photographs published by UK tabloids which appeared to depict him injecting an unconscious woman with heroin. But nay, says Doherty: he was merely drawing her blood so that he might paint with it. Carry on, Pete, we’re willing to believe pretty much anything at this point.

The singer from Yellowcard recently got his throat ripped out (by doctors, unfortunately).

Chris Martin of Coldplay has told the New York Post that he plans to study classical music when he’s “too old to be a rock star.” Give us a break! How many more hoary, withered ballads must Coldplay release become before Chris Martin realizes that he is already the oldest man in rock? Neil Young is twice his age, but half as old.

Tool’s Maynard G. Krebs is planning his band’s summer tour around the harvest at his Arizona vineyard. Making your own wine is totally fuckin’ metal. Wait, maybe I don’t mean “metal,” maybe I mean “nauseatingly bourgeois.” Ever since Metallica cut their hair and started suing us I get those two mixed up.

And speaking of the vagaries of law and commerce, Kanye is getting sued for allegedly failing to make $50,000 worth of payments on his Benz. I can sympathize, though: don’t you hate it when you get so rich that you start forgetting to pay for stuff? We’ve all walked out of department stores with armfuls of Prada bags and snakeskin boots and shit. Don’t sweat it, Kanye, it happens to everybody.

Speaking of The Verve Pipe: The Verve was way better (obviously). You know how whenever you see a one-hit wonder on a “Where Are They Now” program, the guys in the band always say “we’re really proud of our one hit, because that’s way further than most band ever get in this industry”? I wonder if The Verve Pipe is like, “we’re really proud when people try to talk to us about Bittersweet Symphony, because getting mistaken for a good band is way further than most bands ever get.”

By the by, I’ve just learned what a “pimp” is, and frankly I’m a little disappointed in the hip hop community.

Musician Seeks Presidency

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 04:12:00 -0500

I just turned in another press release roundup for the Phoenix, but my slim wordcount meant leaving out a few great ones. Though its tenuous connection to pop music made it miss the cutoff, “Musician Seeks Presidency” definitely goes in my personal hall of fame.

[Lee] Abramson (41) is a Jewish musician and entrepreneur who suffers from ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease). He said he would bring a much-needed perspective to the Oval Office.

Bummer of a diagnosis, but he hasn’t let it get in the way of his astounding achievements:

Political expertise: His father, Paul Abramson, is a member of the American Political Science Association hall of fame, and is widely known as an expert in presidential politics.

Entrepreneurial experience: He is the first person to sell pork rinds on the Internet, and sold 1000 CDs out of the back of a truck in the two years he was a bass player in a rock band.

Leadership experience: In college, he ran an industrial kitchen, planning meals and stocking food supplies. Later, he became the leader of the Web applications support team at Lotus Development Corporation.

Other credentials: Abramson is arguably the greatest musician since King David, and his two best friends Eric and Elliott (who have the same Hebrew name), and all of his other friends and family, say that he brings clarity to contentious issues with the wisdom of Solomon.

Question: his campaign literature seems to lean heavily on the religious angle, so what the fuck is with the pork rinds? Theory: he was just trying to get rid of them.

Full release after the clicko.

Musician Seeks Presidency

EAST LANSING, Mich., Nov. 17, 2011 /PRNewswire-USNewswire/ — Lee Abramson has announced that he is an Independent candidate for the Presidential election in 2012.

Abramson (41) is a Jewish musician and entrepreneur who suffers from ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease). He said he would bring a much-needed perspective to the Oval Office.

Political expertise: His father, Paul Abramson, is a member of the American Political Science Association hall of fame, and is widely known as an expert in presidential politics.

Entrepreneurial experience: He is the first person to sell pork rinds on the Internet, and sold 1000 CDs out of the back of a truck in the two years he was a bass player in a rock band.

Leadership experience: In college, he ran an industrial kitchen, planning meals and stocking food supplies. Later, he became the leader of the Web applications support team at Lotus Development Corporation.

Other credentials: Abramson is arguably the greatest musician since King David, and his two best friends Eric and Elliott (who have the same Hebrew name), and all of his other friends and family, say that he brings clarity to contentious issues with the wisdom of Solomon.

Abramson’s first act as President will be to move the American embassy in Israel to Jerusalem. His second act will be the immediate removal of all troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, and using those resources to seal the border with Mexico, but only to combat drug trafficking. Abramson will reform immigration policies on the advice of his head of DHS. Abramson supports the use of MDMA in a controlled setting for treating veterans with PTSD.

Defense policy: Nuclear submarines would be the first expenditure to be cut. All employees and military personnel involved in running military nuclear reactors would be shifted into new domestic nuclear power plants. Strategic bombers and fighter planes would be next program to be scaled back. All spending cuts from those programs specifically research on military aerospace engineering will be redirected towards establishing more advanced domestic light rail systems. The third program to be cut will be the tanks and armored personnel carriers, because conflicts the United States is involved in, specifically in Afghanistan, require foot patrols to engage with civilians, making tanks and armored personnel carriers irrelevant to the conflict there.

Tax policy: Abramson feels that United States needs to implement a more progressive tax policy. People with higher incomes to pay a higher percentage of their income tax than the middle-class.

Healthcare policy: Abramson favors the creation of a new healthcare program called “Americare.” Americare will be a cradle-to-grave medical coverage program that will pay for the needs of all United States citizens and allow healthcare providers to be compensated according to their skill set. Americare will replace Medicare, Medicaid and the need for private insurance, supplemental insurance. Abramson feels that private insurance companies are criminal organizations; he feels that way because they make profits from delaying and denying care which could in some instances cause unnecessary deaths and suffering to see people who rely on private insurance. Abramson feels that all private insurance companies should be liquidated and all employees will be assigned to positions within the Americare apparatus. Furthermore, Abramson proposes a retroactive inception of the Americare policy which will bring about a “Jubilee year” where any low income person with medical debt will have that debt forgiven. This policy will be paid for by implementing the tax and defense policies. Abramson will also increase federal spending on medical research particularly ALS research.

Drug policy: Marijuana will be legalized and taxed, sold only by authorized dispensaries, with a strictly enforced age limit of 18 years for use.

Details of his qualifications and platform, as well as a sign-up form for his mailing list and music download links, can be found on his campaign website at http://leeabramson.com. When people subscribe to the newsletter, they get Abramson’s campaign song “Shalom” in their inbox.

Photo:
http://www.ereleases.com/pic/2011-Lee-Abramson-3.jpg

Contact:
press@leeabramson.com
Jared Scott
517-376-3246

This press release was issued through eReleases(R). For more information, visit eReleases Press Release Distribution at http://www.ereleases.com.

SOURCE Lee Abramson

The Burn Unit: Anagrams

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:13:00 -0500

Here’s a thing I wrote for the Weekly Dig years ago, which is simultaneously one of the worst things I ever turned in and one of my favorite columns. Posting it up now cause a friend posted a link to a genius Neil Hamburger tweet:

An anagram: ALTERNATIVE ROCK’S MASTERS, KINGS OF LEON === SLICK FRAT TONES EVOKE SNORING. SET ALARM!

Anyway, here’s my beloved horseshit column. I temporarily renamed “The Burn Unit” to “Nutrient Hub,” but I’m not sure the paper ran it with that heading. Here’s the awful thing, after the clicko:

Nutrient Hub: Musical Anagrams
By David Thorpe

We all know that Axl Rose is an anagram of ‘oral sex’ (if you didn’t know that, I’ve just blown your mind). Many of us have heard the Britney Spears is an anagram of ‘Presbyterian,’ but who knows what significance that has. Being somebody who likes words, and who likes taking words apart into letters and then moving those letters around, I’m always unduly amused by anagrams. If you are not amused by anagrams, I suggest that you stop reading this column before you become even less amused than you already are.

Painstakingly, I have crafted these. To my knowledge, few or none have been published before, so I think I can safely consider myself the greatest source for music-related anagrams in the universe.

Record labels have sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars into My Bloody Valentine albums that have never surfaced. Still, I’m curious to hear their money-bloated vinyl.

Prominent jerkoff Pete Wentz has been all the rage lately with his teen-friendly band Fall Out Boy. Surely he’s acquired plenty of tween petz.

And speaking of tween sensations, upon hearing My Chemical Romance I immediately filed singer Gerard Way into the gay drawer.

I’m always amused when misfortune befalls John Mayer; you might say that I enjoy harm.

In the war against shitty pop music, I see Avril Lavigne as a grave villain. I’m not sure how she got a record contract; maybe the old pervs in the industry just saw her as virginal veal.

Though they were hyped like crazy, I found the Arctic Monkeys a little underwhelming. Their sticky romance left naught but a tiny cock smear.

Similarly, I’ve never been a fan of Jack White of The White Stripes. I hope the twit perishes.

With all the boozing and smoking and fighting, Amy Winehouse will never have to worry about her voice becoming a mousey whine.

Neil Young released his album Living with War as an Internet stream; I would never have figured him for an online guy. In my opinion, After the Gold Rush pretty much established Neil as the godfather hustler of rock.

Being from Liverpool, Paul McCartney has a bit of a rumply accent. Toward the end, what with the cancer and all, fellow Beatle George Harrison sounded like his throat had taken a hoarse rogering.

A lot of people dug Soulja Boy for his simple, catchy rhymes, but I think he does a lousy job.

I’m a big fan of Lil Wayne, who spits his rhymes with wily élan.

Jay Z’s debut album Reasonable Doubt was quite listenenable, with no laboured beats and an unbeatable odor. Generally, I’d say Shawn Carter just chants rawer.

His patronage of young singer Robyn Rihanna Fenty was a bit suspect, though. Did he see her as a blossoming teenage talent or just a horny nearby infant?

Those lucky enough to witness Kanye West’s “O face” might witness the glory of the skeet yawn. I shouldn’t make fun; with recent reports claiming that he was repeatedly trounced at Connect Four by Beyonce, he’s probably having a nasty week.

Speaking of Beyonce Knowles: damn. If I ever came across a sleeping Beyonce, she’d probably be obscenely woken.

Three Six Mafia has some religious overtones in their name, which may be a atheism fixer for some. The ‘666’ implication, however, remixes a faith.

Dr. Dre (real name Andre Young) has been dogged by rumors of homosexuality since his days with World Class Wrecking Crew; personally, I dunno re: gay.

Though he’s considered one of the great legends of hip hop, I’ve never actually been a huge fan of Tupac Shakur. I’ve talked to quite a few hip hop fans who feel the same, in fact. Is he just massively overrated? Or does he just… uh… suck at rap?

50 Cent, real name Curtis Jackson, allegedly dealt crack on the mean streets. He’s come a long way for a rapper who stirs coca junk? Despite his dark past, I enjoyed his album Get Rich or Die Tryin’ for its cheering torridity. By the time his second major album rolled around, he’d pumped up into a hypermasculine muscley balloon animal; the oiled up torso on The Massacre looked like it was meant to attract meat chasers.

And speaking of rappers and drugs, we all know that Calvin Broadus (also known as Snoop Dogg) enjoys a bit of the ol’ reefer now and again. In fact, you might say that his life is just one big carnival o’ buds.

Sef’s “De Leven” comes out soon, and Top-Notch...

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 19:42:55 -0500

Sef’s “De Leven” comes out soon, and Top-Notch just dropped this rad promo video. My Dutch Rap boyz will be thrilled to note that it features appearances by Faberyayo and Dio, two legendary heavyweights of the Nederhop game. If you haven’t checked out the title track yet, wake the fuck up. Dutch Rap is gonna blow up huge in 2012, mark my words— get in on the ground floor.

Juggalo News, Part 1

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 18:30:00 -0500

I recently wrote a Juggalo News Update in the Boston Phoenix, which you can find here.

In the comments, some dude made a thrilling proposition: “im looking for wrighter for a juggalo site are email me if instred”

I never back down from a journalistic challenge, so I emailed him right away to accept his offer. Here’s the first piece I turned in.

(Click “Read More,” idiot).

CLOWN NEWS EXCLUSIVE - FBI WIDENS JUGGALO NET

by David “Homizyde” Thorpe, Clown News Staff

The clown nation was recently rocked by the FBI’s 2011 National Gang Threat Assessment, which characterizes the Juggalo family as a “nontraditional hybrid gang.” While a few in the fam relish the notoriety, most Juggalos resent being characterized as violent thugs.

“Most crimes committed by Juggalos are sporadic, disorganized, individualistic, and often involve simple assault, personal drug use and possession, petty theft, and vandalism,” reads the 2011 National Gang Threat Assessment. “However, open source reporting suggests that a small number of Juggalos are forming more organized subsets and engaging in more gang-like criminal activity, such as felony assaults, thefts, robberies, and drug sales.”

“That ain’t me,” said Juggalo-affilliated underground rapper Jay “FaDizzle” Friedman, a two-time Gathering attendee who’s been DWTC since 1998. “I might have rocked a few suckers in da face, but I don’t roll with gang s—t or drug s—t or anything like what the FBI saying about the fam. I ain’t a druggalo or a thuggalo or a dang buffalo.”

“And if I ever do punch da crime clock,” Friedman continued, “you can be sure the s—t won’t be sporadic or disorganized.”

The FBI has taken little notice of the Juggalo backlash; in fact, a recently issued addendum to the 2011 NGTA doubled down on the implication that the family is a criminal enterprise. It seems that the Bureau is widening its gaze beyond the traditional borders of the Juggalo nation:

“While Juggalos can be recognized by their gothic clown makeup, baggy clothes, ‘hatchet man’ tattoos and whistles, other members of the extended hybrid gang may exhibit more elements of traditional clown attire. Law enforcement agencies should be watchful for rainbow wigs, red clown noses and oversized shoes; roving gangs of vandals dressed in cowboy-themed rodeo clown attire have been reported in Houston and Dallas, and a series of assaults involving seltzer spray have been documented in the greater Los Angeles area.”

Is the FBI implying that Juggalos and traditional clowns are now part of a single hybrid criminal network? To Juggalos, the statement may seem bizarre; despite the clown makeup and carnival attitude of the family, tangible ties to the traditional arts of mime and clowning are few and far between.

“I keep my clown life and my Juggalo life separate,” says Jon “Skratchet” Hendren, a longtime San Francisco Juggalo who also works as a clown at birthday parties and parades. “I got totally different makeup for my Juggalo s—t and my Bozo s—t and never the twain shall meet, you feel me? They just two things I do, they ain’t the same thing, and they sure as s—t ain’t some kind of criminal thing.”

“So now I’m a double criminal cause the FBI don’t like Juggalos OR regular clowns? That s—t is wack.”

Agents at the national FBI Headquarters declined repeated requests to clarify this characterization.

David Thorpe is a music journalist from the California Bay Area. His work has appeared in the Boston Phoenix, the New York Press and Wired Magazine.